♪ got what you need to get you high... ♪
♪ ♪
You mean to tell me you've known that girl most of your life
And you ain't never had sex with her? And you ain't want to?
What? No, that's my best friend's sister.
So? I've had sex with all my friend's sisters
And their sister's sisters.
Man, you trippin'. That girl's fine.
- - Hey, baby! - - No, that's all right.
I'm gonna add her to my list.
- No. No no no. She'll destroy you. - Pussy.
I'm serious. In high school she dated the captain of the hockey team.
He was all-state, had a full ride to michigan.
- Know where he is now? - Uh, no.
This is the first time I ever heard of this dude.
He's bagging groceries.
She made him so happy that he lost his will to compete.
Most girls are yoko ono. She's linda mccartney.
You're in the beatles. Hook up with her, you'll end up in wings.
Who's the beatles?
I swear, you say a comment like that again--
- Make out with me. - No, I should pass.
You know I've wanted to french you since kindergarten.
- Oh really? - Come on, we're not in cheyenne anymore.
No one's gonna care.
Hey linda, how do you spell your last name?
Can you feel that?
You better hold on. This one's about to get bumpy.
♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪
♪ hell yeah ♪
♪ stand up right now ♪
♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪
♪ stand up right now, right now ♪
♪ give me a hell, give me a yeah ♪
♪ stand up right now. ♪
Sync by Alex1969 www.addic7ed.com
I've got three freshmen starting in the secondary.
That's not good.
No.
- The defensive line, we're pretty veteran--
- I was having a conversation. - I don't give a shit.
Are you aware that 60% of your team has an arrest record?
Well, that's better than last year.
Parents are going to be afraid to send their kids to my school, marty!
Dean simon, I'm having a little difficulty understanding you
With my ex-wife's tit in your mouth.
Really? You should try it sometime.
It might take the taste of booze and whores out of yours.
You're only with him because you think it pisses me off.
Enough! We have got to work together
To turn around the negative image of this team.
Now I've been in touch with the boosters.
- Can't wait to hear this. - We're organizing a charity game
Between your players and the st. Mary's church group.
Father west is expecting you and your players at church on Sunday
To announce the event and then we're sending you on a p.R. Tour.
Really? Well, it ain't gonna happen.
This is your boss, marty. And the boosters are behind us on this.
They think you're finished.
I've told them I think you've got another title in you.
Don't prove me wrong. Let's go.
Smile big for the cameras, coach.
Hey, warren, you walk like a pussy.
I can't believe we're wasting prime drinking hours going to church.
Moran's right. This whole religion thing's a crock of shit.
God probably doesn't even exist.
I love jesus.
He lets you do whatever you want to do.
All you got to do is apologize after.
I don't think that's how it works.
Hey, listen. Trust me, it is.
When I was 10 years old,
I burned down my neighbor's house.
My mom made me go see the priest.
The priest told me
All I had to do was apologize to jesus
And that would be that.
I've been a believer ever since, baby.
Jesus!
Crock of shit, moran.
Mr. Castle, can you give us a few words about the game on Saturday?
Yes, but first I'd like to thank my lord and savior
For making me such an awesome football player.
In the name of the father, the mother and both of their sons.
We are so excited coach daniels and the mountain goats
Have agreed to play us in a good old-fashioned game
Of charity touch football.
Thanks to their kindness, we'll finally have the money
We need to complete our church's renovations.
So god bless coach daniels,
God bless the goats...
And god bless the entire b.M.S. Football program!
Purity.
Pure as the day is long, ladies and gentlemen,
That's how we have to be,
Much as a football player has to be pure of mind
- To get through that game. - Sorry, jesus.
Oh. Thank you, jesus.
...To get through that game of life.
Each and every day, folks, it's fourth and long.
And we have to do what we need to do
To move those chains.
That's right. Just as our lord...
No no no.
Remember what I said? She's off-limits.
Limits are made to be broken. I do it all the time.
Pauline. Pauline's a good time.
She's a great time. She's really nice.
I've already been with her. We all have.
You know that. Why you bringing up her?
- - Why? Why why why her? - What do you think?
Randell, moran,
Shut the hell up and get your asses in your seats now!
Sorry, father. Continue.
So I'm definitely gonna hit you up this week.
- I'ma take you dancing. - Shut up.
I'm gonna take you dancing.
mm-hmm.
Yeah, no, you can't sleep with radon.
'cause you're jealous, right?
Because he's really valuable to me-- the team.
He's valuable to the whole team.
Since when do you tell me who I can and can't sleep with?
I know your track record with guys.
I wasn't even thinking of porking radon,
But you just talked me into it.
That guy's gonna owe you a thank you card.
Marty. Marty.
Martin.
This is your team mascot.
He'll be going with you on your p.R. Tour.
Wow. Coach, it will be an honor spending time with you.
You think this is funny, don't you?
A little, but don't think for a second we're bluffing.
Do as you're told or you're gone.
That dean simon is a lucky lucky man.
Wow.
Pure as the day is long, ladies and gentlemen,
That's how we have to be,
Much as a football player has to be pure of mind
To get through that game.
Brian bosworth? I always said you were god.
- Not quite, but thank you. - You're welcome.
Thad, got something very important to tell you.
You are going to go in the top three
Of next year's n.F.L. Draft.
Oh shit! Oh shit!
That would be huge for me!
However, in order for this to happen,
You must become celibate for the rest of the season.
That means absolutely no sex.
No beav? Fine.
- I got a pocket pussy. - No, we won't have any of that.
You will take your little players
And keep them in their locker room for the rest of the season.
If I do that, I'll go top three?
This is your shot, thad.
don't blow it.
Goodbye, oksana.
Blue 18, blue 18,
Set, hike!
That's five sacks today, randell!
Get your head out of your ass!
O-line can't hold him today, coach!
What did they put in your steroids today?
Born-again virginity.
Brian bosworth told me if I go beaver-free,
I'm gonna go top three in the draft.
Just a heads up, ladies, I'm beaver-free until further notice.
So don't try to seduce me with your knockers.
It won't work. You're dismissed.
What kind of idiot gives up sex for football?
An idiot who wants to be the best.
I could never give up sex.
That's why you'll never be great.
All right, all right! Homeless people, eat some food. Eat some free food!
All right, enjoy! Yeah!
Here. Put this on your head.
I'm not wearing that.
Oh, you bet your ass you are.
Yeah, all right, coach! Yeah, all right!
That hairnet looks really stupid on you!
I can't believe she's making you wear that!
- Picture time! - I'll take some pictures. Here we go.
No thank you. No girls today.
No, I don't want you to look at me. Gross.
Your face is awesome and gross.
Why are you wearing lingerie? It's so awesome and sick!
Get it off.
Thad badassle, saction news 4,
Here with the biggest sack magnet in b.M.S. History.
Radon randell, tell us what it's like to suck so bad at football?
Some people just have a bad day, man.
And some people eat shit!
Uh-oh.
You know, the only reason why that guy's beating you is because he's given up sex.
If you want the humiliation to end, ya gotta do it too.
- That's impossible. - It's either that or you go all season
- With that guy kicking your ass.
Hey, sexy. I have drinks in my room.
Wanna help me drink them?
Um...
I got to go to the bathroom.
A couple of days ago, that guy was trying to pork me in a church.
- Really? - Yeah. What'd you say to him?
I didn't say anything. Maybe you're not his type.
I'm gonna nail that guy and you can't stop me.
The sight of your awesome boobs disgusts me!
Blue 18. Set...
Hike!
Break it up. Break it up!
Hey, what is it with you two?!
You've been at each other's throats all day!
He stole my move, coach!
Brian bosworth came to me and said
If I stop boning sloots,
I'd go top three in the draft.
Now this prick is going beaver-free too.
It's a lifestyle choice!
Hey, hold on. Hold on.
Are you trying to tell me that both of you are celibate?
Yes, coach.
I like it. I like this celibacy thing.
Okay, from this point forward, everybody on this team
Is celibate.
Jon jon, call the papers.
I want you to give them the headline,
"b.M.S. Team celibate."
All right. Come on, huddle up.
This is only for the starters, right?
When I was on beaver, I used to do very bad things.
You guys know. Most of you were there for it.
It's only been 24 hours for me,
But I already feel my balls getting heavier.
And I'm afraid that's gonna affect my kicking.
I have a serious concerns that if I have to go through this for even one more day,
My balls'll go straight-up eat each other.
Have any of you tried prayer?
Prayer might work for you. You've never had sex.
You don't know what you're missing.
I, on the other hand-- I know exactly what I'm missing.
Excuse me. Hi.
Is this the born-again virgin support group?
Jesus christ...Iansons.
- I know what you did. - Hm?
The thing I miss most about boinking?
Hands on my tits.
marty, this celibacy stunt may have saved your ass.
We were married. We were celibate for 10 years.
Oh, so banging the entire girls volleyball team was you being celibate?
It wasn't the entire team.
Two of them were lesbians.
Coach, I just want to let you know
That I have had the time of my life.
I'm sure glad you enjoyed yourself.
But coach, I have something to say that I've wanted to say for a couple of days now.
You're acting like their little bitch, okay?
There, I said it. I said it.
Excuse me?
I've never done a single thing
Anybody has told me to do in my entire life.
My dad told me not to waste my time with college.
I applied the next day.
My doctors told me to stop drinking.
I drink every chance I get.
Grow a pair of balls and stop being a bitch.
Get out of the car.
No. No.
He turned me around like this
And he was like, "I'm gonna finish."
I was like, "joey, you son of a bitch,
You're not finishing until I suck
The goddamn hell out of your big--"
The end! The end! Thank you, mary jo.
Wow.
It feels so good to get that off my tits.
Well, I'll see you guys around.
Bye.
Screw it. I'll go again.
I used to masturbate
Exclusively with motor oil.
Yeah, I was that guy.
Did you guys tape your boners up or down?
I'm taped my shit down. You should try it.
Yo, look, just a heads up...
You might be starting this weekend.
- What, why? - Because I'm smashing that girl tonight.
I don't care about being benched.
I don't care if I end up in wings.
I'm taking her to my bed tonight.
Okay, everybody, gather round.
There's gonna be national media at the church today.
So let's go over there, smile pretty,
Run around a little bit, and then get the hell out.
Understood?
Yes, coach!
How you doing, coach? You want to enact a mercy rule?
No, I don't think that'll be necessary.
You're gonna take it easy on us, though, right?
Excuse me.
That was quite the performance yesterday.
You know you could have avoided the whole situation
If you bent me over and nailed me when I wanted you to.
Have a good game.
No beav on three.
One, two, three. No beav!
- Oh sorry! I'm sorry! - Holy shit.
Brian bosworth made me do it! I'm sorry.
Marty! Keep it clean for a change, huh?
Listen, stay strong. All right? Focus.
You get this under control.
Your team's embarrassing us in front of the entire country.
I took your wife, marty.
Don't make me take your job too.
Stop being their bitch, coach! Come on, don't do it.
Hey, warren,
The day I let you or your wife
Tell me how to deal with my players
Is the day debra swallows.
- Excuse me? - You heard me.
You see this right here on the field?
That's your fault for trying to make my players be something they're not.
You wanna fire me? Good!
I want you to!
I'll find another coaching job.
When I do, I'll come back every year
And I'll kick your ass! You are nothing without me.
And neither are you!
second team, get in there!
No. First team stays in there.
Randell is m.I.A.
Moran, you're in for randell!
I want you to bury these pricks!
I want them praying to you after the game!
Oh, I can't go in right now, coach.
What are you talking about?
I...
I gotta go poop.
Hold it in. Get in there!
You better pray, son. I got your number.
You had better pray!
Let's leave it unlocked.
I like the idea of maybe getting caught.
Yeah, I like that.
You ready for the full-on radon randell seduction?
- Come on. - Father, I got to make a confession.
I want to have sex with my best friend's sister.
She's about to bang my teammate in a port-a-potty,
And I can't let it happen.
- That's between you and god. - What?
You had better pray! Come on!
♪ I wanna lay you down ♪
♪ and give it to you in your neck ♪
♪ ah yeah, don't you like that, baby? ♪
♪ I wanna lay you down... ♪
Down.
Please, god.
Set, hike!
Uhn.
Look, radon, I think you're amazing.
But there's something I gotta tell you--
Mmn, radon's coming.
Whose idea was this duct tape?
Aah! Oh, my dicky!
Whoo! You like that, hotshot?
That's how do in god's house.
Yeah.
Father, you need to get laid.
I broke my dicky!
Oh, it hurts!
Thank you. Thank you.
♪ gonna get me a slice of that cherry pie... ♪
Hi. Congratulations.
You're on the front page of "deadspin."
The duct tape was your idea, wasn't it?
No, it wasn't my idea.
One of these days, I'm going to french you, alex.
And you're gonna love it.
Get your pretty faces away from me!
I'm goin' top three!
You passed the test.
One whole week without sex proves
You'll do whatever it takes to perform at the pro level.
You will now be the number-one draft pick next year.
Numero uno?
Numero uno, Thad.
Just like me.
Oh, thank you, thank you, Mr. Bosworth.
Ohh, ahh, eehh...
Did you just...
Yeah.
Just like me.
Sync ny Alex1969 www.addic7ed.com